Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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