my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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