I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
