Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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