i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
we're so committed to being not committed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
