ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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