im six kinds of drunk right now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
