I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
