watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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