i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
