Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
