You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's always time for handjobs
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
