Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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