I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
