Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
