I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i've created a new STD.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
