I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
