he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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