Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
