Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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