just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
