Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
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As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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