nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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