Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
