It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
