I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
