I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
