she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
