Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
