He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You are a genius and a whore.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
