:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
