So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
