Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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