I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize