I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
