My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
