wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
