hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
