It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
