Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
