he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
