I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I will pee on everything he values.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
