So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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