I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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