I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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