So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
