im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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