chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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