Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
