he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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