I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner