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• (818): View more from California

  Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

  (818): View more from California

  Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

  (818): View more from California

  And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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• (631): View more from New York

  I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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• (313): View more from Michigan

  The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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• 

  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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• (914): View more from New York

  So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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• 

  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (518): View more from New York

  Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.

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• (650): View more from California

  I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.

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• (302): View more from Delaware

  If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.

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