I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
