the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
