her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
