is your mom at the bar?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I smell stomach acid.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
