Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
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Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
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I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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