this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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