Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
