He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
