and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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