I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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